“Gaslighting”: Are You Fanning the Flame?

In her book entitled, “The Gaslight Effect” (Crown Archetype, 2007), Dr. Robin Stern describes “gaslighting”, an unfortunate emotionally debilitating phenomenon that occurs in relationships where a strong, intelligent person is undermined by the insecurities of another. The tendency manifests as a person of low self-esteem seeks to undermine the confidence of another in an effort to bring stability to their own instability. It appears in personal and professional relationships without regard for race, class or gender. Dr. Stern first observed and identified this exploit as typically occurring among women in their romantic and business relationships.

As you turn the pages of this very enlightening psychological read, it is easy to identify with the anecdotes of the “Gaslightee”; the victims of the “Gaslighter”. We remember our own experiences with lovers, family members and workplace acquaintances: seeds of pathological and narcissistic manipulation sown in the gardens of a once healthy mind; or compliments peppered with “constructive criticism” spoken softly over a toothy passive aggressive smile. Spend enough time reminiscing and you will eventually find yourself wearing the cloak of victimization, which I vigorously discourage.

Psychology has an array of programs and pills for victims of emotional abuse. For all of the attention that is given to those singed by the flames of another’s insecurity, I wonder how many people are brave enough to admit to having been the “Gaslighter” at some point in their lives. To admit that in the heat of relationship or workplace battles and because of a measure of perceived inner insufficiency, you took deliberate aim at the psyche -- the heart and soul of another human being in order to simply have your way. Admit it, and take steps to refrain from this and all other acts of emotional terrorism.

The “Gaslighter” constructs a prison in the mind of their so-called beloved. Most people forget that the jailer is always confined with the inmates. The Gaslighter can only do what is permitted by his victim. As long as there is someone bowing to his mental exorcism, he will have regular work and fresh prey; hurting people hurt people. Without his well-chosen prey, then and only then is he forced to face himself…or perish.

If you read Dr. Stern’s book, I challenge you to do so without assuming that just because you recognize yourself in a scenario or two, or find yourself in disbelief with regard to your answers to the questionnaire in chapter one, that you must immediately seek professional help because yet another author, survey or manuscript has branded you as a victim. Rather, reflect on the text with brutal honesty, admitting to and finding a remedy to your own prior bad acts.

Endeavor to extinguish the flames fanned by irrational emotion and perpetual self-doubt. Each of us is responsible for self-reflection and appropriate course correction to ensure we live in a manner that is wholly pleasing, purposeful and prosperous.

Selah,

Camille

You can read an excerpt from “The Gaslight Effect” by clicking on the link below.

http://www.enotalone.com/article/16907.html

Light as a Feather

The morning walk to my office is festooned with the eclectic leftovers of the previous night: homeless men and women still sleeping; booted and ticketed automobiles waiting on owners or tow trucks; bicycled, segwayed and equestrian members of local law enforcement; a muddle of condom wrappers, lost lingerie, and containers that once held assorted spirits. Among these trappings I routinely come across an array of feathers, mostly from the pigeons that boldly walk these downtown streets competing with human hunger for sustenance.

Their charming, morning-grey plumes are castoffs of biological necessity. That the separation from their avian proprietor carries the pain of amputation, lightens the load required for flight or goes completely unnoticed is a mystery to me. But as I bend to add a captivating quill or two to my bookmark collection, I remember those things that I have discarded or abandoned: by accident or necessity; excruciatingly or without a fight; fully aware or otherwise. And I wonder if there are spectators, whether gauche or enthused, stooping to retrieve whatever I may have left behind.

I have relinquished unsubstantiated judgment and abject suspicion for the serenity of “it is what it is”. This keeps me out of nests of anxiety constructed by impractical acts that are based on raw emotion.

I am working to relegate emotion to her proper place in my psyche, particularly as it relates to matters involving the opposite sex. I am no longer easily riled or surprised by the relationship components of human interaction.

I am resigned to the inconsequence of the opinions of others. It has been said that “what people think of you is none of your business”; there is peace in this assertion.

I understand that Love is my choice; and a reflection of what I think of myself. I will love in the language required and reciprocity is non-negotiable: I insist on being loved in the manner I require.

I know that I own my self-esteem and self-preservation. No one can or should be responsible for my happiness; it is my sole responsibility. I must be selfish enough to fashion my own contentment and pleasure.

I have learned to reject and return compartmentalization. I do not answer to or live in the expectations of traditional or stereotypical assignment. If anyone attempts to label me, I am swift to peel and remove the layers of false identification, placing them squarely back into the hands or at the feet of the accuser.

I am joyful! Joy…Full! Whether enjoying the calm before a storm, or dancing around the winds of temporary adversity, I choose to remember and celebrate the things for which I am truly grateful; people and possessions too numerous and personal to record at the present.

As you move in cooperation with the creator and this great universe, welcome the manifest shedding of your “plumage” and rejoice in the fruition of renewed productivity and prosperity, and improved mental and spiritual well-being.

Selah,

Camille