Last November, just a few days after my birthday, I started to experience an unexpected and disheartening shift. My contentment with being alone had given way. I had become lonely again. An absence of intimacy hovered and began to make demands upon my attention. In previous years I would have attributed this event to the lull that is my companion during the winter holidays and accepted it as such. But this was different. It was not enough to accept the retraction of my contentment. I felt pressed to acknowledge it; to let it wane…and then proceed to change it, allowing a fresh perspective to wax its way into my life.
I delayed my journey of change until the New Year. I was delayed by my own intellect: my need to philosophically compartmentalize every aspect of my life; to evaluate my perception of words and motives. I was also delayed by suspicion and the idea that some things would improve on their own if I just waited a little while longer. Time passed and nothing changed. Then I made an executive decision: I needed to be the change. Thank you, Gandhi.
I stopped trying to figure out the behaviors of past loves, friends and family, releasing everyone to be and do whatever they are and want. I resolved to live in the moment and to seek out friends who will commit to doing the same. I corrected the wobble in my walk (see my blog) and instantly my world has changed. I am still alone, but the loneliness has dissipated. I am profoundly energized and hopeful again.
However, a certain layer of rigidity from my past, of which I was not aware until now, remains a part of my thought process. I am a work in progress, and the days since my revitalization have been magical, thanks in part to new friendships that wear as familiar as a well-worn garment.
I never discount the timing and purpose of the people arriving in my life. We ride a cosmic continuum of free will and manage to reach our destinations within the lives of others with precision. I am grateful for the waxing in of fresh connections and re-energized relationships. And I have accepted and mourned the waning of others.
There is a particular new connection that has my excitement and attention. The timing is perfect and the depth of our ability to give what the other requires is a testament to our individual growth. It is fodder for future posts. Stay tuned.
In the meantime, endeavor to welcome the cycles of change in your life. Resistance is a dangerous prognosticator and will leave you exhausted and frustrated. Open yourself to what needs to wax in; and trust yourself with the uncertainties of what must wane.